


up and downfall

by btscurtis



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Crying, Crying Jack Kline, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Jack Kline, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Jack Kline, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25197304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/btscurtis/pseuds/btscurtis
Summary: jack is not okay.but mental illness is for civilians,and so he waits for a way to die.much like one waits for the bus of a loved one.with a sense of normalcy,yet an urgent yearning.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	up and downfall

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: suicide/self harm

it’s a funny thing.

how life toys with you.

or maybe just with me, really, he thought.

because he could be so  _ ecstatic, _

so full of  _ hope _ ,

so  _ happy. _

and the very next day be bruising his forearms and banging his head against the wall before the final destination of his panic attack beckons him to the space behind his dresser drawer.

it’s quite humorous, really.

because the second things finally work out for him, and manic excitement entraps him once more into thinking maybe,

just  _ maybe _ ,

this is it for him. he’s being spared. he can allow himself to relax and rejoice in the mere fantasies he builds off a couple of brief moments.

sometimes he’d rather be sad all the time.

because it hurts a hell of a lot more to have what you want to be ripped away.

over.

and over.

life is supposed to be good and bad,

yin and yang.

why can’t his mind stop latching onto the high of a state of content,

until he’s too much.

and he’s brushed off what he holds on for dear life like the spec of muck he is.

from the first year of his existence in this realm he craved an innocence that truly was never there.

and so he ripped plastic to jagged edge and dragged it across his skin, and thought nothing of it.

or maybe he did.

maybe thats why he was too scared to get caught smuggling a knife at first.

but every mark against him made a mark he made against another fade away.

atleast he imagined so.

what was so wrong?

is it any different to drawing with a crayon on paper if it’s a blade to your flesh?

perhaps not.

he’d come to realize that wasn’t how most people thought, but…

is he entitled to think how humans feel,

when he can’t use that label on himself?

he began to call his downfalls grey days.

when a sickening weight drops to his stomach and the only words he says that day is “i’m not very hungry, thanks”.

when he decides his only friend is the blade he ripped from dean’s disposable razor.

and he wonders,

if he weakened his human vessel enough,

starved enough,

stabbed enough.

would he eventually succumb to a slit throat?

jack sat against his locked door and let out a silent scream as his anguish overcame him more and more.

pained slow slices turned to angry stabs that wouldn’t stop healing.

_ why can’t i stop feeling this way? _

_ i don’t want to feel this way. _

_ i’m so tired. _

_ i can’t take it anymore. _

_ i just want a way out. _

two knocks.

sam.

“we brought back food, jack”

he forces the frog in his throat to subside and says “i’m hungry, thanks,”

they’ve been through this so many times before that sam won’t even press the issue.

he glances at the floorboards beneath him and checks that no blood poured under the door.

while silent tears stream down his cheeks.

and while he racks his brain for ways to die,

he is absent in the thoughts of his only hopes.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> yeah.  
> hope this makes people feel a little less alone


End file.
